"I sing what I see, nothing gets by me."
"Here I am", said I to chaos, "I am your slave!" And he: "Good!"
"For what?" said I. Free in the end, I am!
What good is a caress when bliss this man came to possess?
Here I am, ready.
The brakes are gone and I can resist no more.
- The brakes are gone! - I heard you.
No, they're really gone!
Weren't you reciting a poem? Hit the brakes!
It doesn't work!
Brake!
- Brake! - It doesn't work!
We're going to die! The woods!
Brake!
- The king is coming! - There he is!
There's a heap of people down there. Straight!
We have no brakes!
Move!
LIFE IS BEAUTIFUL
Go for a walk. Otherwise we'll get there tomorrow.
- I found the screw. - Thank you.
- Now what do you need? - I need ten minutes alone.
All right, I'll leave you alone.
- Do you want the screw from before? - No, I want to be alone.
- Do I toss out the screw if I find it? - No. - I'll leave you alone.
I'm going to wash my hands.
Pretty girl, how's it going?
What are you doing?
- Did you Mom put this stuff here? - No, the landlady did.
Is it a market?
How old are you? Where's your mother?
- What's your name? - Eleonora.
- Nice to meet you, Prince Guido. - Prince?
I'm a prince, I am! All this is mine.
The principiant here is of the prince's principate.
I'll call this place Addis Abeba.
I'll change it all!
Outgo the cows, in come the camels!
Camels?
Even a few hippopotamus!
I have to go, I have an appointment with the Princess.
- When? - Now!
- Good morning, Princess. - How frightening, I almost killed myself.
- Did I hurt you? - I've never been better.
- Do you always leave the house like this? - A wasp has stung me.
There?
Allow me. Hold still, Princess...
A wasp's poison is very dangerous. You have to get it out.
- Lie down, it'll take a while. - It's fine now, thank you.
- Did you get stung anywhere else? - No, thank you.
What a place here! It's beautiful! Pigeons fly, women fall from the sky...
- I'm moving here! - It's all his! He's a Prince!
Exactly.
Prince Guido, at your service.
I'm coming!
Goodbye then.
- How can I thank you? - There's no need...
I'll take some eggs to make a nice omelet for my squire.
- Take whatever you want, it's all yours. - Thank you.
I'll take six, all right? I'll make a nice omelet.
Goodbye, Eleonora. My regards, Princess.
Farewell.
Here I am, Nuvolari!
It's eggs for us tonight!
All camels here!
- Where is this house? - Turn left, we're almost there.
Is your uncle sleeping with us?
No, He's lived in the hotel for over 30 years. He's a Head Maitre...
He's lending us the house, he uses it for storage.
There, we're here.
That's Robin Hood my uncle's horse and that's my uncle's house.
And inside is my uncle...
Hello, dear Uncle, here we are!
Hurry, it's late.
- Uncle Eliseo! - Barbarians..
- Who were they? - Nobody, just barbarians.
- Why didn't you cry for help? - Silence is the most powerful cry.
- Is he your poet friend? - My name is Ferruccio.
- I'm also an upholsterer. - You'll have to make do here.
It's an old storehouse full of odds and ends, an old passion!
- What's all this stuff for? - You can stay as long as you want.
It's not easy to be a waiter.
That's the bed. Legend has it Garibaldi slept there.
The town hall is on Via Sestani, to the right after the colonnade.
This is the bathroom, equipped with the appropriate invention of Mr. Bidet.
There are a few books here, among which the Life of Petrarch.
The kitchen is in there. This is a bike.
I have to get back to the hotel.
There's only one key, don't lose it.
It's so good to see you!
I'm coming, Robin Hood!
What an uncle!
Look at this, Ferruccio.
Didn't I tell you?
We're in a city, you can do whatever you want.
You want to yell? Yell!
What are you, crazy?
We're in a city, you can't act like you do in the country!
- What did I do? - You can't yell!
Mary, the key!
See? You can't yell.
If you stopped thinking so much about poetry...
...you'd make your father happier and you'd make more money than him.
That's right, Oreste.
You have to settle down, Ferruccio.
- What a nice hat. How does it look? - Nice, but it's mine.
- When do I start working? - You're already late. Right away!
- Get that armchair and take it to the laboratory. - That one?
- And be careful. - I'm going to the town hall.
- Goodbye. - Goodbye.
And behave yourselves...
...because these are hard times, hard, hard times!
- They're hard times? - Yes.
Why, what are your... political views?
Benito, Adolph, be good!
What did you say?
- I said... How are thing going? - Goodbye then.
Careful, you'll break the legs!
- Goodbye. - Good...
He pulled it off, he took my hat.
I'll find him though.
Benito, you're going to get a slap!
I need to do the whole bureaucratic procedure to open a bookstore.
- Does it take a long time? - Years.
Then we'd better open a file now.
First you have to apply and the head of department has to sign it.
In the meantime...
I almost scrambled my eggs! I've had these here since yesterday!
Thank goodness they didn't break.
Take note: "I, the undersigned, Guido Orefice, am applying to open..."
He can't sign it right now.
- What's going on? - I need a signature of yours.
- Miss, what's going on? - Mr Rodolfo, I told him...
- Just one signature. - No, I can't.
- My substitute will be here in an hour, ask him. - All I need is a signature.
- We close at one here! - It's ten to one.
File a complaint!
Boy is he nasty!
To sign a paper, open a file, all he had to do was...
Now I have to wait for his substitute who's coming here in an hour.
I'm filing a complaint.
Write: I the undersigned Guido Orefice...
What a wallop!
Are you hurt?
I'll help you. I didn't do it on purpose.
Don't touch me.
You can forget about your bookshop!
No, the eggs are...
You scoundrel, I'll kill you!
Out of the way!
Good morning, Princess.
I wonder if we'll ever bump into each other standing up!
Excuse me, but I've got to run.
Farewell, Princess!
Chicken.
It's served whole, bottom down on the plate.
I hold it in place with the blade stuck under the wing, then I rip off the drumstick.
I cut the meat along the bottom of the breastbone.
Off go the wings, breast and skin...
- Lobster. - That's easy.
I stick the wing under the leg, off goes the leg, I rip off the lobster...
Stick the...
Lobster is a crustacean.
Off goes the crust...
Off go the crust and antennae.
We don't eat the antennae, now do we?
Off go the antennae, off goes the lobster...
There's nothing left.
We're out of lobster, but we have some delicious chicken.
- I can't remember how to do lobster. - There's no need to touch it!
- That's too easy, that's why I didn't remember. - Keep going.
Table setting: take off the dirty plate and put on the clean one.
Never do the opposite!
If you want a drink, ask me. If you want wine, there's the sommelier.
Glasses: big glasses, little glasses, big pitchers, little pitchers...
Chalices, but only for religious ceremonies. "Good evening, Eminence."
Behavior: Stand by. Still, like this.
"Waiter!" "Yes?".
In position. Stand by behavior.
"Waiter!".
"Waiter!" In position.
Stand by behavior.
Why are they all calling me?
There must be other waiters, right?
Bowing! Piece of cake.
You bow down, further, like this...
At a 45 degree angle... just like a champagne bottle.
45 degrees.
Even 50, 55...
90 degrees, a right angle.
How far do I bow down, 180 degrees?
- Like this? - Think of a sunflower, they bow to the sun.
But if you see some that are too bowed down, it means they're dead!
You're serving, you're not a servant.
Serving is a supreme art, God is the first servant.
God serves men, but he's not a servant to men!
- There was no button here. - It doesn't go there, silly!
- I have to take the car back to Pop. - You'll take it back in a month or so.
- No, I've got to get it back soon. You know why? - Why?
Ferruccio.
- Ferruccio! - What?
- Were you sleeping? - Of course I was.
You turned your head and went to sleep. How did you do that?
Schopenhauer.
- Schopenhauer? - He says that with willpower, you can do anything.
Now I want to be someone who's sleeping and I was saying to myself.
"I'm sleeping, sleeping, sleeping..." And I fell asleep.
Amazing. And it's simple too...
I'm sleeping, sleeping, sleeping...
- I'm sleeping... - Don't move your hands, you're not a juggler.
It's a matter of thought, it's serious.
We'll talk about it tomorrow.
Amazing, though...
Wake up, wake up, wake up!
- Wake up... - What is it now?
- It totally works! - What works?
Schopenhauer.
You know what I just said? "Wake up"! Bam, you woke up.
How does this all happen?
You were yelling in my ear! That's why I woke up!
- So I should say it quieter. - You don't say it at all!
I'm not supposed to say it.
It's deep, you have to think it.
What is it?
Without talking, I was saying to the lamp: "turn off, turn off"...
...because I can't sleep with the light on.
Go turn off the light.
You go, you go, you go.
You go, you go!
- All right, I get the hint. - You go.
It works!
- Slow down! - Hurry up, it's late!
Mary, the key!
Every morning he has someone throw him down the key.
- It almost hit me smack in the head. - Guido, look.
- What is it? - Guicciardini, the publisher.
Her publishing my work is a dream.
Go get your poetry, I'll block her.
Guicciardini, the publisher!
I'm off, block her.
- Mrs. Guicciardini? - Yes?
My name is Guido Orefice, I recently moved into town and I'd like to open a bookshop.
- When? - As soon as I get my papers in order.
I'm here with a friend of mine, Ferruccio Papini, a young poet, very poetic contemporary...
- Has he already published something? - Nothing.
"I love only roses picked by others."
I'd like you to meet him.
He went to get his manuscripts. We'd like you to see them, because I think...
As I was saying... I'd like you to meet him.
- What is it? - The key...
You have the key to your house!
He has to put the manuscripts in order.
- We'll see to it that you get them. - Thank you.
You're published!
"The dawning" of Ferruccio Papini, Guicciardini publishing.
And I'll sell your book.
Look! There's that teacher, I told you about her.
I even dreamt about her last night.
Come with me, ['ll introduce you.
- Stay still! - What's wrong?
Don't move, Ferruccio.
The one in the car... He's that jerk the eggs fell on, the town clerk.
- He'll kill me if he sees me! - Be good.
- He's standing there talking. - What's he saying? - I don't know.
- What's he doing? - He's saying goodbye, he's leaving.
- He's got a car just like mine! There he is I - Don't move!
He'll kill me if he sees me!
Stay still, Ferruccio.
Good morning, Princess!
It's you again. How do you do this?
This is the princess who fell from the sky into my arms.
- Is he the one who sucked the stinger out of your thigh? - Yes.
- We keep meeting like this... - We could make plans to meet.
- Tonight at eight? - No, it's nicer this way.
Let's go, Dora.
- I hope we meet again suddenly. - Farewell, Princess!
Did you see her? She's pretty, huh?
She likes it when I suddenly appear.
- Let's run around the building and suddenly reappear. - I can't run anymore.
I got your poems published and you can't do me this favor?
Darn it all!
We got here too late, they already went by. I told you to run faster!
- We'll go around the other building. - Are you nuts?
Look, it's horrible, your mother would love it.
My mother only wears red hats.
Good morning, Princess.
How silly!
I don't believe it!
"Obscurity."
You're a genius!
"The bigger it is, the less you see it." Solution: obscurity.
- Did you make that riddle up? - No.
But you solved it in five minutes, it took me eight days.
- Obscurity! - Salmon, salad and a glass of white wine.
- Listen to this one, Guido. - If I may, it's my run.
My Pop told me this when I was a wee boy.
"There are seven people dining."
"Solve this brainy riddle: in order time, the solution you will find."
It sounds refined...
- I want to solve it right now. - Eat first or it'll get cold.
- I don't want to, it's too late. - Salad, salmon, white wine, it's light.
"Seven people are dining..."
- Guido, is the kitchen closed? - Everybody's gone. Why?
- A gentleman from Rome is here, from the Ministry. - The kitchen is closed.
- Oh well, he would have given you a good tip. - The kitchen is open.
Come right in.
- Doctor, you're not eating anything? - Seven people are dining...
I know the kitchen is closed, maybe a cold dish...
- It's all delicious, take your pick. - Something light.
We've got meat, a nice heavy steak, lamb, kidneys, some greasy breaded liver.
Otherwise, there's fish.
- Fish. - We have stuffed with fatty sausage and greased with Grand Marnier.
- Or some lean salmon. - The salmon, thank you.
- Side dish? - There's a side dish too?
We have very, very fried mushrooms...
...buttered potatoes in Nancy butter with a flaky sauce...
Is there a small, light salad?
- If not, nothing. - A light salad?
What a pity, the very, very fried mushrooms were out of this world.
So: a light salad, a lean salmon and a glass of white wine.
- Perfect. As soon as possible. - I'll do my best.
“In order time, the solution you will find. Seven people are dining!" Right?
Right.
- Goodnight, doctor. - Goodnight, genius.
- What did he say? - Seven people?
- What is he, drunk? - It's a riddle.
- "Seven seconds". - Seven seconds?
Is the solution time.
"Seven people are dining". If there are seven people dining...
...and they all order seconds, that means "seven seconds".
Doctor Lessing is a physician, a very serious person.
But he's obsessed with riddles, he loses sleep over them!
Excuse me, the "Francesco Petrarca" school...
The elementary school?
A friend of mine teaches there, it's beautiful.
- It's not far from here, why? - Good, I can sleep an extra half hour.
- Do you have to go to that school tomorrow morning? - Yes.
They're expecting me at 8:30.
Please, children, silence! A moment of attention.
The Inspector from Rome will be here shortly. I want to make a good impression on him.
Listen very quietly and carefully to what he says.
He'll tell us some very important things about our beautiful country.
Who put Roberto in the front row?
Roberto, go back there. In the last row!
Cosimo, come take his place.
- The Inspector is here, ma'am. - He's already here?
He's early!
Sit down, Roberto.
All rise!
Good morning, Princess.
Good morning, Mr. Inspector. I'm the principal.
These are some of our teachers.
Good.
Therefor...
- How many years have you taught in this school district? - 16.
- Are you up to date with the on going school program? - Yes.
- Did you read the bulletin regarding childhood hygiene? - Of course!
What are you doing on Sunday?
No, I mean, Sunday... is St. Mary's day, what are you doing?
I'm going to the theater.
- Too see what? - Offenbach.
Right, Offenbach is playing.
Fine.
Well...
- Thank you very much and goodbye. I just came to... - We know.
The Inspector came from Rome to talk to us about the race manifesto...
...signed by the most well versed Italian scientists.
He will, and we're very honored, demonstrate to us that our race...
...IS a superior race, the best of all.
Take your seats!
Go ahead, Inspector.
- Our race... - Is superior.
Naturally.
Our race is superior. I've just come from Rome, right this minute...
...to come and tell you that our race is a superior one.
I was chosen, I was, by racist Italian scientists...
...in order to demonstrate how superior our race is.
Why did they pick me, children?
Must I tell you?
Where can you find someone more handsome than me?
Justly so, there is silence: I'm an original "superior race", pure Aryan.
Let's start with something that one says "what's so big about that": the ear.
Look at the perfection of this ear.
Left auricle with a pendant little bell at the end.
Check it out!
Movable cartilage! Bendable!
Find two ears more beautiful than these and I'll leave!
They dream about these in France!
Look here.
Look at this original superior Aryan leg.
It's a gem of a leg.
Look how it bends, look at this pure race piston.
This is an Aryan leg bending with a circular moving Italian foot.
An Etruscan ankle on a Roman shin.
Look at the strength!
The whole world envies us for it.
And you too will have a leg like this when you grow up, no two.
If this one breaks, there's the other one.
If this one breaks, there's this other one.
If they both break, that's just plain bad luck!
Races exist, children. You bet they do!
But let's continue, I want to show you something else.
Pay attention...
He said "Inspector”?
From Rome?
The belly button!
Take a look at this belly button! You can't untie it, not even with your teeth.
Those racist scientists tried it: not a chance!
This is an Italian belly button, it's part of our race!
Check out this style! Look at these muscles:
Ceps, biceps, triceps!
Look at this beauty!
Admire this hip!
Just look at the movement!
Gentlemen! I must say goodbye now...
...because I have to go, I have an appointment.
I'll make my Aryan exit and bid you farewell.
Farewell!
The belly button!
I'll see you in Venice, Princess!
I can only hear out of this ear.
Look at me, Princess.
Go on, I'm down here.
Look at me, Princess.
Look at me.
Turn around, Princess.
Turn around, turn around.
Turn around.
Guido.
I can't hear a thing!
What does he want?
He's trying to say: "seven seconds".
- You asked him the riddle about the seven people dining. - Yes.
- Can we get a chocolate ice cream? - Yes, but we'll have to be quick.
- Why? - We have to be at the Prefect's at 8, we were invited to dinner.
- Where? - At the Prefect's.
Have pity on me Lord, let it not be true.
Another dinner at the Prefect's?
- Your mother is coming too. - Bingo!
Let's us just go to dinner. We'll stop by the Prefect's for coffee.
- I'm not coming! - I'll tell him we're not going!
It'll just be me and you.
- Good evening, Rodolfo. - Good evening, Mr. Prefect.
I'll see you later on at my house. I'll expect you at eight.
We'll be there at eight sharp.
- Did you see here? - No.
- She has to be here. - Good evening.
- On time tomorrow, got it?
- Did you take that stuff out of the car? - Yes. - It's silk, don't ruin it.
- No, Mr. Nardi. - Be very careful.
- What an opera. - Beautiful.
- Is that one of your curtains? - No, it must be one of my colleague's.
He took my hat again!
- Let's go. - Don't you see how it's raining?
- You go get the car! - It's right around the corner.
All right, you wait here. I'll pull up right here and toot.
Ferruccio, give me the key!
Not the house key, the car key!
Are you crazy?
Keep him busy, you know, the jerk the eggs fell on.
- I'll see you tonight. - Inside the car there's... Go slow!
The least you could have done is come get me with the umbrella.
Look what a mess I am.
Plus, dinner at the Prefect's gets me so nervous!
I knew it, I've got the hiccups.
I always get them when I'm made do something I don't want to.
Don't you know that it takes so little to make me happy? A chocolate ice cream is enough!
Even two.
A nice walk together and then whatever happens, happens.
Good morning, Princess.
- This is incredible! You owe me an explanation. - No.
You're the one who owes me an explanation!
I stop under a roof and you fall from the sky into my arms.
I fall off my bicycle and end up in your arms.
I do an inspection at school and there you are again!
You even turn up in my dreams!
Will you leave me alone!
You've really got a crush on me!
I don't blame you, but...
All right, at this point, I give in. You win.
Where shall we go, Princess? Do you like the sea?
- They're waiting for me outside the theater, take me back. - All right.
We'll go back outside the theater.
- You've got the hiccups now too? - I always get them...
...when I'm made do something I don't want to do.
- What do you want to do? - It takes so little to make me happy.
A chocolate ice cream, even two, a nice walk...
And then whatever happens, happens.
- What's happening? - Princess, do you know how to turn on the windshield wipers?
- Step on the brake! - Have no fear, hang on to me!
It's broken!
- When did you learn to drive? - Ten minutes ago!
- I thought it was less than that... - The top doesn't close.
- The door won't open. - Wait, we're stuck!
We'll get out of here, I'll take care of it.
The important thing is that you don't get wet.
Cover yourself with this.
- Thank you. - We'll get out of here now.
I'll take care of everything.
Here we go...
Step right out, Princess.
There!
Step right out!
There's a huge puddle, you'll get your feet wet.
Wait.
Here.
- Go ahead. - Where are we?
- We've already been here. - Me and you?
When?
The night it was raining and I made you an umbrella out of a pillow!
It was a beautiful night.
I put the steering wheel on my shoulder, did a little waltz...
...and when I stopped in front of you, you kissed me.
Princess, your behind is blowing in the wind.
My pop was like that. He had the ability to make me do anything.
He understood me, he knew how to deal with me.
So all these treasures you're hiding...
There is a way to open this treasure chest and always get you to say yes!
It's easier than you think.
- All you need is the right key. - And were exactly is it?
Heaven knows...
It's clearing up.
So, you were saying...
...the key that always makes you say yes has to come from heaven. - Yes.
If the Virgin Mary tosses it down to me to...
You never know.
Mary, the key!
Is this it?
Do you really have to go home? What about the chocolate ice cream?
- No, not now - Then when?
- I don't know. - Are we going to let heaven decide that too?
No!
Leave Mary alone, don't bother her over an ice cream!
No, it's way too important.
We can't decide when to have it, I have to ask her.
Mary, send someone to find out how long before we can have the ice cream.
Seven seconds!
- This is my house. - I've gone by here a thousand times.
- I wanted to open my bookshop right out front. - Bookshop?
- Yes, I'll see you every day. - Goodbye then.
You've been so nice to me. All I want now is a hot bath.
- I forgot to tell you... - Go ahead...
You can't imagine how much I feel like making love to you.
But I'll never tell anyone, especially not you.
- They'd have to torture me to make me say it. - Say what?
That I want to make love to you. Not just once, over and over again!
But I'll never tell you that.
I'd have to be crazy to tell you I'd even make love to you now...
...right here, for the rest of my life.
You'd better run or you'll get wet. It's going to rain again.
- Princess. - You're all wet.
My suit is no big deal...
It's the hat that bothers me.
I need a dry hat, but where can I find one?
How did it go?
Right, it's easy!
Mary, send someone to give my friend a dry hat.
Goodnight, Princess.
- Excuse me, where's the restroom? - Straight ahead to the left.
- Uncle Eliseo, here's the ostrich egg. - Easy.
- What is this, an African cake? - It's an Ethiopian cake.
It's full of cream made with ostrich eggs.
The hotel is offering it to the guests of honor.
What is it? An Ethiopian party?
It's an official engagement party. A marriage promise.
Bring the carts. Ernesto, bring me the ostrich feather!
Here, put it in the ostrich's mouth.
- Waiter? - Yes.
Where is the manager's office?
- On the right, before the stairs. - Good gracious, what a bow!
If you don't get up immediately, I swear on your father's death bed...
...I'll never speak to you again. For the rest of my life!
My head is spinning.
Dora, dear.
Do you want your mother to live locked up in this house?
If you don't come tonight, I won't have the courage to go out anymore.
Maybe I should sleep a little.
First everything was spinning to the left, now it's spinning to the right.
What could it be?
- Come back in an hour or so. - An hour?
Dora, It took 2 months to prepare for this and it cost us a mint.
I'm going to count to three now.
If you don't get up, I'll force you to get up.
One.
Two.
Three.
Good girl.
Two years ago...
- He's very dear to me. - Guido.
- Mrs. Guicciardini. - I'm so pleased to see you.
- How is everything? - Fine, thank you.
- And the bookshop? - We're almost there.
- Congratulations. - Thank you.
- I'd like to offer you a piece of Ethiopian cake later.. - Ethiopian?
- It's made with ostrich eggs. - Ostrich eggs!
- Mrs. Guicciardini. - General.
She liked my poems. She said she might publish them.
I told you so.
- I said everything was on me. - Don't pull any tricks on me.
You'll sit at the guests' table over there. Just pretend you're invited.
- It's all paid for? What party is it? - It's a marriage promise.
- Do you know who's getting married? - No. - That jerk the eggs fell on!
- Who's he marrying? - I don't know.
But she hasn't even shown up yet! Everybody's waiting.
Guido! I've looked everywhere for you!
Your uncle. Something's happened...
- Come with me. - Where? - Outside! The horse!
What's that?
Is that your horse 7?
What a sight!
- What did they write on him? "Achtung, Jewish horse". - The usual barbarians.
It's sad, what nonsense.
"Jewish horse."
- Don't get upset, they just did it to... - They didn't do it "to", they did it "to"...
You'll have to get used to it, Guido.
- They'll start with you too. - With me?
The worst they can do is undress me, paint me yellow and write...
. "Achtung! Jewish waiter".
I didn't even know this horse was Jewish.
Let's go, I'll clean him up in the morning. Take him back to the stall.
- Look there in front of you. - No I
Dora.
Wait, I'll surprise her.
Dora.
Come with me, I'd like to introduce you to Fido Giovanardi.
Guido.
- Dottor Lessing, where are you going? - Urgent telegram.
I must go to Berlin immediately.
- What are these flowers? - They're for your departure.
I'll take just one. I'll take it to my wife: Guido's flower.
I truly enjoyed myself with you.
- You're the most ingenious waiter I've ever come across. - Thank you.
- You're the customer with the most culture I've ever served. - Thank you.
Goodbye, Doctor Lessing.
By the way...
"If you say my name, I'm not there anymore. Who am I?"
"If you say my name, I'm not there anymore!"
What is it?
Silence!
If you say the word, it's not there anymore: silence.
I'm not talking about Berlin, in the outskirts, imagine that!
Third grade, listen to this problem. I remember it because it shocked me.
A lunatic costs the State four marks a day.
A cripple, four and a half marks, an epileptic, three marks and a half.
Considering that the average is four marks a day..
...and there are 300.000 patients, how much would the State save...
...If these individuals were eliminated? - I can't believe this!
That was my exact reaction!
I can't believe a seven year old child has to solve this kind of equation.
It's a difficult calculation. They need at least some algebra to do those equations.
- That's high school material for us. - No, all it takes is multiplication!
- You said there are 300,000 cripples? - Yes.
- 300.000 times four.
If we killed them all, we'd save 1.200.000 marks a day...
Exactly! It's easy!
But you're an adult, they make seven year old children do this in Germany!
It's truly another race!
- "Good morning, Princess." - What did you say?
It's here, on the cake.
Dora, why are you just standing there?
Let's go dance.
Let's go.
Thank you.
Just a couple things, you already know it all by now and you've know for several years.
Dora and I were born on the same street, we went to school together.
We had the same friends, we've always been together.
The only thing we didn't do together is our military service.
Dora is the woman of my life...
...and I'm the man of her life.
We've decided to get married within the year.
You're all officially invited on April the 9th to the Basilica of Santa Maria del Pellegrino.
Then we'll celebrate till dawn, all together, right here just happy as we are now.
- Thank you. - Kiss her!
- Yes... - Kiss her!
- Guido, did you hurt yourself? - No, I tripped.
- Did you hear? - What?
- No, nothing. - Go on. - Thank you.
- What happened? - Nothing, I tripped.
I'll clean it up right now.
Yes, thank you.
- Guido, what's wrong with you? - Nothing.
- Are you all right? - Fine.
Who put this armchair here?
- Guido, are you all right? - I'm fine.
- I'm sorry. - I didn't get hurt.
- I was... - What about Mrs. Guicciardini? - It's going fine. - Don't leave her alone.
Go on, I can do this.
Guido, are you all right?
Fine. Why are you all asking me that?
Is there something wrong?
No, nothing is wrong.
- But go to the kitchen. - Yes.
- Guido. - Yes.
The kitchen.
They moved everything around tonight!
Look where they put the kitchen!
Peek-a-boo, guess who?
- Guess who? - It's me.
Bruno! Miss...
We finally meet, Dora.
He never introduced us. You were scared to, weren't you?
Now you don't need to come with us to the brothel anymore!
I apologize if I've disturbed you.
Happiness and best wishes to all!
You sly old dog!
What a jolly fellow!
Congratulations!
Now we can see each other more often for dinner at my house.
- Rodolfo, congratulations. - Thank you, Prefect.
Everything is just fine, I'll pick it all up.
- I apologize. - Unfortunately it's late.
Congratulations.
Princess, you here too!
Take me away.
And now, ladies and gentlemen, a surprise offered by the Grand Hotel:
the Ethiopian cake!
Look.
Guido!
Thank you.
Music, maestro!
- Congratulations. - Thank you.
- Right this way, Princess. - But you're...
Quickly, Princess.
But he's...
He's that jerk with the eggs!
Dora!
Dora! Dora!
No, Ferruccio!
He's got the keys to the house, darn it all!
I can open it if I find some wire.
I'm a whiz with wire, my pop taught me.
One.
Two.
I opened it.
Joshua.
Let's go, you're going to make Mommy late.
- I lost my tank. - We'll find it.
- Where did you leave the tank? - It's on the stairs. - I'll get it.
Hold the bicycle.
I'll get it.
Here.
Let's go.
- Go, Pop! - Go, slow.
You're late for school!
There's a horse!
- Stop ringing that bell, it's driving me mad! - It's not me.
- It's Joshua. - No, it's Pop.
Stop it, let me off!
Go!
- Here we are. - See you tonight.
- Bye, Dora. - Go fast, Pop.
One, two, three!
- Can we buy this for Mommy? - How much does it cost? - 15 liras.
15 liras?
It's a fake, it's probably a fake cake, like your tank.
- "No Jews or dogs allowed." - Let's go, Joshua.
Why aren't Jews or dogs allowed to go in?
They just don't want Jews or dogs to go in...
Everybody does what they want to.
There's a hardware store there... They don't let Spanish people or horses into his store.
I was with a Chinese friend of mine yesterday who had a kangaroo.
I said "May we?" "No, we don't want any Chinese or kangaroos here".
They don't like them, what can I tell you?
- We let everybody into our bookshop. - From now on, we'll write it too.
- Is there anybody you don't like? - Spiders.
I don't like Visigoths.
Starting tomorrow we'll write: "No spiders and Visigoths allowed."
I'm sick and tired of these Visigoths!
- Good morning. - Everything's half price.
- Orefice Guido? - That's me.
- You have to come to the Prefect's. - Again?
- He already went. - Let's go.
Why?
- Is that man with you? - Yes, let's go. - All right.
- I'm coming too. - No, you stay here.
- It won't take long, will it? - Not long at all.
Joshua, make sure you treat the customers good!
I'll be right back.
Good morning.
- Good morning - Good morning.
- I'll take this one. - It costs five liras.
- No, it says ten liras. - Everything's half price.
Give this to your mom and tell her, it's from grandma.
I've never seen my grandma before.
- Would you like to meet her? - Yes.
- You'll meet her tomorrow. - Tomorrow?
Yes, because tomorrow is your birthday.
- Your grandma will come and bring you a nice present. - A new tank?
No, a surprise.
Give the letter to your mom.
- Bye, Joshua. - You forgot your change, grandma.
Thank you.
- When are you coming? - In an hour or so.
I'm going to stop by my uncle's to see if he'll bring some left overs.
- Then what did Grandma say? - She's coming tomorrow.
It's about time!
- It's time for your bath now. - I took one on Friday!
- He's right. - You change your shirt.
- I changed it on Thursday! - Don't forget the flowers!
- They're outside, I already picked them. - I'll come with you, Pop.
- You have to take a bath, stubborn! - I don't want to take one!
Hurry up, I have to go pick Grandma up!
- Where do you want the flowers? - Set them down, I'll be right there.
I took one on Friday!
- Do you know where Joshua is? - He must be in there.
- Will you put those things in order? - Yes.
- Why don't you show me the flowers? - Sure.
- They look so beautiful. - Yes. - I'll make them come right over.
Come, flowers! Come, stand!
Schopenhauer, willpower.
I want the stand to come here... Stand, come!
Stop, stand.
This stand seems very dirty to me.
Good morning, Princess!
- He can already read and write? - For over a year now.
- You did a good job. - We're.
- I'll help you get out. - No, I can do it myself.
Dora, what's wrong?
Are we there?
No, it's a crossing.
- Will you tell me where we're going now? - What do you mean, where?
You asked me a thousand times! We're going to the place...
- What's it called? - We're going...
What day is it today? Today is your birthday.
You've always said you wanted to go on a trip!
It took me months to plan this whole thing!
You know where we're going?
I can't tell you.
I promised Mom I wouldn't tell. You know how she is, she'll get mad.
My pop planned something like this for me when I was little too.
It was so...
Boy was it funny!
Let's go...
I want you to see for yourself.
It's a surprise... It really makes me laugh.
- I'm tired. - Go to sleep.
Uncle, where are we going? Where are they taking us?
What time is it? We're leaving right on time.
What organization!
- You've never taken a train, huh? - Is it nice? - It's really nice.
It's all wooden inside, everybody stands up, there's not one seat...
- There aren't any seats? - What? Seats on a train?
It's obvious you've never been on one!
No, everybody stands real close together.
Do you see this line?
I got the last tickets just in time!
Hurry up, Uncle Eliseo.
I don't want them to say: "Too late, it's full, go back home."
Wait up, we've got a reservation!
Look at the line!
Go, Joshua'!
Here we are! We made a reservation!
Thank you.
- May I help you? - There's been a mistake.
What mistake?
My husband and son are on that train.
What's your husband's name?
Orefice Guido.
Joshua Orefice and Eliseo Orefice are on the train too.
There's no mistake.
I want to get on that train too.
- We're all ready. - Send them off then.
Go, leave!
Go back home, ma'am.
I want to get on that train.
Let me get on that train!
Mom's here!
They stopped the train to let Mom get on.
Uncle.
Dora!
Did you see this place? Are you tired?
- I didn't like the train. - We'll take the bus back.
We're taking the bus back! The one with the seats in it!
- I told them. - It's better.
I think so.
You see? It's all organized.
Did you see that line! People are lined up to get inside!
- Everybody wants to get in! - What game is this?
It's the game...
The game...
We're all players. It's all organized.
The men are over here, the women are over there.
There's the soldiers, they give us our schedule...
It's hard, you know, it's not easy...
If somebody makes a mistake, they get sent right home.
That means you have to be careful.
But if you win, you get first prize!
What's the prize?
First prize!
- It's a tank. - I already have one.
- This one's a real tank! Brand new! - Real?
Yes, I didn't want to tell you...
- Where's Uncle Eliseo going? - He's on another team, it's all organized...
- Bye, Uncle. - Bye.
A real tank!
What did I tell you?
Fabulous!
What a place!
Hurry up or they'll steal our places. We've got a reservation.
Two singles!
Coming through!
There's our place!
This is our bed, we'll sleep real close.
- Joshua! - It's ugly here, it smells.
- I want to be with Mommy. - We will be!
- I'm hungry! - We'll eat!
- They're really mean here, they yell! - They yell because everybody wants first prize.
They have to be tough.
- Can I see Mommy? - When the game's over.
When it's over?
You have to get a thousand points.
Whoever gets a thousand points wins a tank.
I don't believe you. Are we getting a snack?
A snack?
Just ask, we're all friends here.
Look who's here, what's his name...
- Bartolomeo. - Let me ask you something.
Did the guy who hands out the bread and jam already come by?
Darn it all! We missed him by a second!
He'll come back again though, won't he?
He's coming back.
- What did he say? - He asked if anyone speaks German.
He's going to explain the camp's rules.
- Do you speak German? - No.
The game starts now: who ever's here is here, who ever's not is not.
The first one to get a thousand points wins. The prize is a tank!
Lucky him.
Every day we'll announce who's in the lead from that loudspeaker.
The one with the least points has to wear a sign saying "jackass".
We play the part of the real mean guys who yell.
Who ever's scared loses points.
You'll lose your points for three things.
One: if you cry.
Two: if you want to see your mother.
Three: if you're hungry and you want a snack.
Forget about it!
It's easy to lose points for being hungry.
Just yesterday I lost 40 points because I absolutely had to have a jam sandwich.
Apricot jam.
He wanted strawberry...
Don't ask for any lollipops, you won't get any. We eat them all!
I ate twenty of them yesterday!
What a stomachache...
But they sure were good.
Sorry if I'm going so fast, but I'm playing hide and seek.
I have to go now, or they'll find me.
Don't ask me anything, ask Bartolomeo, he knows everything.
Don't forget to tell me what he said too.
A thousand points?
I told you we're going to have fun!
These guys are crazy! This has to way a hundred kilos!
It's got to be 3000 degrees in here!
- Vittorino, I can't cope anymore! - After only the first one?
- Why, are there more to move? - We're here until tonight!
What...?
- What happened? Where are they taking you? - To the hospital.
I hurt my arm.
We're going to die here!
I can't take it anymore!
- I'll tell them I can't do it. What can they do to me? - They'll kill you.
- What? - They'll kill you.
- Where does this thing go? - Down there.
Good Lord, I'll never make it!
It's got to be 10,000 degrees in here...
Pop!
Joshua.
Look here.
It's nice, huh?
We're signed up.
When I got there to sign up, the referee was there and he said:
"No, you and your son aren't on the list, you didn't pay your dues."
I almost fell over!
He said: "You can go home."
I said: "No, you go home! Joshua and I signed up.
Give me my number!" In fact they gave me one, look.
I had them put it here too, just in case...
See what a nice place...
...your pop takes you to?
- Did you play with the other kids? - Yes, but they don't know the rules.
They said it isn't true that first prize is a tank, they don't know anything about the points.
Did you fall for that?
They're as sly as foxes. They want to beat you!
Are you joking? That's no tank?
Don't believe them!
- How many points did we get today? - 50.
Ok, 48.
They took two points away from me because I tripped while I was playing hopscotch.
I died laughing!
Boy, did I have fun!
I can't wait to start all over again tomorrow!
Hopscotch, tug of war and ring around the rosy...
I don't even remember all of them.
"You guys are obsessed, stop! I'm tired!" I said.
Did you eat something?
Yes, but I didn't ask for a snack.
Good boy, that means you got 12 points too!
48 for me, 12 for you... 60 points.
This is what you get when you get up to 60 a plain piece of bread, no jam.
Here, eat this.
Thank you.
- Is 60 points a lot? - Are you kidding?
It sure is!
Look who's here! Bartolomeo, how'd it go?
Any worse than this... I got twenty of them.
We got more than him.
Don't tell him that. We're in the lead!
I already told you: no children or old ladies!
Back inside!
The rest, downstairs!
Let's go girls, quickly.
This way.
That one's new, she learned right away.
The lady at the door seemed nice when she first came. She's the worst of all.
- She didn't send the old ladies and children to work. - 'Cause they kill them.
One of these days they'll call them to take a shower.
The truth is, they make them shower there, in the gas chamber.
How can I do this?
Vittorino!
Where'd they find all these anvils?
Pop!
Why are you here?
You're not supposed to be here!
Why aren't you with the other kids?
They said all us kids have to take a shower today and I don't want to.
- Go take a shower! - No.
- Yes. - No, I'm not going to!
Go take a shower!
What are you doing here?
We're making the tank...
We're building the tank.
We're still working on the tracks.
We're running slow.
You can't stay here.
- Go take your shower! - I don't want to!
You stubborn thing! Ten points off for you.
Hide behind there.
We'll go back together when I'm done. Don't let anyone see you!
This sure is fun...
Take everything off.
You'll get it back after the shower.
Forward!
Remember your number to get your clothes back!
Women and children will shower together.
Are you hurt?
Thanks, Bartolomeo.
From now on, you have to hide here the whole day.
If they see us now it's over, we're disqualified!
- What do I have to do? - Vittorino, help me out.
Don't let anyone see you, especially those mean guys who yell.
Remember.
This is the hardest part.
If we get this right, the tank is ours.
It's worth 120 points a day.
You're gone! Who's ever seen you before?
Who are you?
Joshua!
Got it!
Good boy!
Anybody here?
Am I disturbing?
Come here.
Quick as lightening!
Good morning, Princess!
I dreamt about you all night!
We were going to the movies, you were wearing that pink suit that I really like,
You're all I think about, Princess.
Mommy!
Pop wheels me in the wheelbarrow but he doesn't know how to drive!
He kills me laughing! We're in the lead!
How many points do we have today?
Run, the mean guys who yell are behind us!
Come on!
- Are they dry? - They're dry.
Catch, get dressed.
What happened to Vittorino, Alfonso and the others?
They didn't make it.
“If you say my name, I'm not there anymore."
Silence.
Thank goodness, I was getting scared. What happened to you?
They're half crazy!
The Captain he's a friend of mine, I met him when I was a waiter.
He said they're having a dinner with all the officials and their wives.
He asked me if I wanted to wait tables at the dinner.
Maybe he wants to help me.
He might get us out of here...
Have you seen Joshua?
- What are you doing? Come here. - No.
- I told you to come! - No.
Come out.
Look here, you're all dirty.
Where have you been?
I had to finish playing rummy...
They make buttons and soap out of us.
- What are you saying? - They burn us all in the oven.
- Who told you that? - A man was crying.
He said they make buttons and soap out of us.
You fell for that? Again?
I thought you were a sharp boy, cunning, intelligent...
Buttons and soap out of people? That'll be the day!
You believed that?
Just imagine... tomorrow morning I wash my hands with Bartolomeo.
Then I'll button up with Francesco.
Darn it all! Look! I just lost Giorgio!
Does this look like a person?
They were teasing you!
- What else did they tell you? - That we get cooked in the oven.
They burn us up in the oven.
You fell for that too!
You just eat everything up!
I've heard of a wood oven, but I've never seen a man oven before.
"I'm out of wood!" "Take this lawyer!"
"This lawyer doesn't burn, he's not dry enough."”
Buttons, soap, we get burned in the oven...
Let's be serious now.
I have a bag race with the bad guys tomorrow.
That's enough, I want to go home.
- Now? - Right now.
- It's raining now, you'll come down with a terrible fever! - I don't care.
All right, if you want to go...
- I'll get our stuff and we'll leave. - We can leave?
Naturally, what do you think they do, force people to stay here?
That'll be the day!
Let's go, we'll pack our bags and get out of here.
What a shame, we were in the lead. We're quitting, off the list we go.
Some other kid will win that real tank.
- There aren't any other kids. - It's chock full of them here!
- Where are they then? - They're all hiding.
- This is a serious game. - I just don't get it.
How many points do we have?
Almost 687.
- I told you a thousand times. - We're winning.
We're first, I told you. But we'll quit if you want.
I saw the chart yesterday. We'll go anyway though...
Bye, Bartolomeo. Joshua and I are leaving, we're fed up here.
The tank is done, it's ready.
Clean the spark plugs off before you start it, open the throttle...
...otherwise the cannon will get stuck with the tracks...
Did you see how nice it is? It came out beautiful!
Lift the emergency brake off before you move!
Me and him are going, Joshua wants to quit.
We could have gone back with a tank soon, but we'll take the bus today.
Me and Joshua are leaving, so long everybody!
We're tired of this place. Let's go or we'll miss the bus.
Let's go, Joshua.
Goodbye.
Joshua.
- Let's go! - It's raining, I'll come down with a terrible fever!
Joshua.
Joshua, it's me I
I have to tell you something important, come here!
- That little rascal's been running away all morning. - Is there really a kid?
There must be two thousand, they hide all over the place!
Those creeps want our tank!
Stop, wait.
I might have spotted him.
I think he's nearby. Look.
Go see if he's hiding in there. I'll wait here.
- He's there, Pop! - Blond? - Yes.
That's him then, his name is Schwanz.
He's been in there for three weeks.
He was the runner up, we beat him though!
Sooner or later I'll find the others too.
- How many are there? - It's swarming, I told you.
They're all hidden.
- Look, Pop. - There's a hideout.
Got ya', got ya' you're out!
- She saw us. - Are we out?
She's coming over for you. Now it's time for the be quiet game.
You're never to speak.
- Swear it! - I swear.
Good boy.
They all talk strange, you can't understand a word.
If we get through this, the first prize is ours.
They're rounding up everyone in first place. It's the silence game.
- Why are you here with the children? - ...
Quiet! You're never to speak.
I swear.
I have to talk to you.
- Very important. - Where? When?
I'll signal you. Later.
Thank you.
I told you not to talk to the children.
Doctor, my wife is here too.
Eat slowly, it's bad for you.
We're in the lead, we just might leave early.
The game finishes early.
Don't make a mistake now that we're in the lead.
Slowly.
Pay attention.
"Fat fat, ugly ugly, all yellow in reality."
"If you ask me what I am, I answer cheep cheep cheep”.
"Walking along I go poopoo..."
"..Who am [, tell me the true!"
A duckling, right?
Is it a duckling?
It's not!
A veterinarian friend of mine sent it to me from Vienna.
I can't send him mine until I solve this one.
I thought duck-billed platypus, but it doesn't go "cheep cheep cheep”.
A duck-billed platypus goes...
A duck-billed.
I translated it into Italian for you last night.
Well, what do you say?
Everything points to a duckling.
Help me, Guido.
For heaven's sake, help me.
I can't even sleep.
It's the duckling!
Joshua!
- Come here. - I'm tired.
Come here.
Where are we here? I might have taken the wrong way.
Good boy, sleep. Dream sweet dreams.
Maybe it is only a dream!
We're dreaming, Joshua.
Tomorrow morning Mommy will come wake us up...
...and bring us two nice cups of milk and cookies.
First we'll eat.
Then I'll make love to her two or three times if I can...
Bartolomeo.
They've called those two officials twenty times.
I bet they escaped.
- Did you understand anything else? - You don't need to speak German!
The war is over, they're running all over the place.
- Where are those trucks going? - The important thing is not to get on those trucks.
They leave full and come back empty.
You know where they're going?
What about the women?
Let's get out of this dump and split up.
I've been hearing machine guns and dogs barking for hours...
- They want to get rid of everything! - Bartolomeo, I'm leaving.
I'll see you in Viareggio. We'll start an anvil factory!
Joshua, come see. Look how mad they are!
Furious!
They're looking for you. You're the only one, the last one to find!
They're even looking under the rocks!
The game finishes tomorrow morning, they're handing out the award.
If they don't find you tonight, it's worth 60 points!
How many points do we have?
- 940, plus 60? - A thousand.
First place I We win!
They're looking all over for you!
No mistakes tonight, this is it!
- Go hide in that box, quick! - Schwanz is in there.
Who?
Schwanz, the blond boy.
They got him yesterday. He was eliminated.
It's the safest place to hide, nobody will look there again.
Let's go, quick as lightening.
Come on!
Inside.
Take this blanket in case you get cold.
I'll be back soon.
I'll put them on the wrong track.
Pop, you scared the death out of me!
- Are you cold? - No. - Give me your sweater then.
I'll throw it on a tree and put them off track.
They're looking all over for you!
Everybody's yelling "Where's Joshua?"
They're even cursing, they're really, really mad!
No one will find you.
Bye now, I'll be back later.
If I'm really late coming back...
...don't you move, don't come out.
You're not to come out until it's completely quiet...
...and nobody is in sight, just to be safe. Say it.
I'm won't come out until nobody is around.
Good boy, stubborn.
Bye.
Leave.
Go away, dog!
Go, dog!
Go away!
Leave!
Go away, dog! Go away!
Good job, Ferruccio.
It works.
Dora.
Is there anyone called Dora here 7?
Dora, are you here?
It's Guido.
I know someone is hiding here. Is there a Dora here?
She's Italian.
- She's my wife. - Yes, there's a Dora here.
- Dora. - Dora, it's me!
It's not her.
Is there another Dora?
As soon as you get out of here, jump out of the truck!
It's true!
Mommy!
Joshua!
- We won! - Yes, we won!
A thousand points to laugh like crazy about!
We came in first! We're taking the tank home!
We won!